Greetings fans. I could not be more proud to debut my new band, the Joel Newton Earth-tet, at Smart Cafe in Nyack, NY, this Sunday, July 5th, from 11am to 1:15 pm. This brunch gig will be particularly special because FUCKING TAYLOR SWIFT will be a guest performer with the band. Sorry, all-caps and expletive called for when someone like Taylor Swift is in my band. Italics too. FUCKING TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!! You take all the exclamation points you want. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Taylor, for agreeing to do this. I will not let you down.

So, if you read my last report, you’ll know how Taylor came tumbling into my life, just after Ted Nugent went stumbling out of it. The union played out almost like a cheesy romance, but, as I made clear previously, there is no sexual or romantic interest on either of our parts. I’m a dedicated husband and father, and I’m sufficiently older than Taylor that Woody Allen wouldn’t even approve of an intimate coupling. Unless maybe he could be part of it.

No, the passion that runs between us is a passion of shared musical love. She loves my hot jazz-rock-fusion guitar licks and rhythm patterns, and I love her perky voice and (relative) innocence. Yes, she’s become a mega pop star and is a little harder-edged of late, but you know her heart is still in the South, lamenting soured relationships with sweet vulnerability and adolescent humor.

To bridge the admitted gulf between our styles and create a compelling joint musical product, we’ve decided on the following formula: half the set will feature my instrumental pieces, with Taylor playing rhythm guitar and occasionally humming or scatting melodic parts; a quarter of the set will be spirited interpretations of classic show tunes; and the last quarter will be … you know you want it … a selection of Taylor’s own precious ditties. She wants to keep her selection a surprise, but did agree to disclose one choice: “22,” funky-style, with an expanded middle section open to instrumental improvisation. (Shhh … I haven’t told her, and don’t plan to, that we will apply Giant Steps chord changes to the chorus. I hope it doesn’t clash with the vocal melody. If it does, fuck it, it’s only Nyack. Just kidding, Nyack 🙂

Nyack rocks, and the Smart Cafe seemed like the perfect place to start our 3-hit run in the quaint, Hudson-hugging town. Smart Cafe attracts not only Nyack’s hip, but also its crunchy, intellectual, progressive, artsy, finger-on-the-pulse kind of people. Think Brooklyn, with touches of Portland and Seattle, and trace amounts of Paramus, Akron, Paris, Long Island, Phoenix, East Phoenix, and West Phoenix. You’ll see beards there, and bra-less women in flowing summer dresses, and men wearing nothing but shorts and bras, and unvaccinated children, and old people unabashedly saying “fuck” and “shit,” and Muslims, and Jews, and skateboarders, and lip-to-ear piercers, and lots and lots of certified yoga instructors. Best of all, if you buy a ticket to our brunch show, you get a complimentary gluten-free banana-kale muffin. Tickets are only $2, so it’s a great savings.

Get ready to ROCK, Nyack. Me ‘n’ Taylor gonna fuck y’all up!