Hello understandably excited fans, who are probably keenly aware that in about 4,380 minutes from the time I’m writing this sentence, the Earth-tet with super-special guest, Taylor Swift, will be making brunch gig history in Nyack. How are you?

You probably don’t need reminding that we’ll be at the coolest kale-themed eatery in town, Smart Cafe, on the corner of N. Broadway and Oohahi St. Bleeding heart types take comfort: all of the animals whose meat is served at Smart Cafe are kale-fed and spend most of their lives running freely in kale fields. Then they spend a few minutes being murdered.

Before proceeding further, let me say a few things about the rest of the core Earth-tet, lest they feel overshadowed by the biggest pop star in the world. You’ll remember that Janice Tubman and Cedric Fritz were research assistants at M.I.T. and joined the band against my advice. It’s not that they aren’t smokin’ hot players (bass and drums respectively), and it’s not that I thought they were imperiling their earning potential, for I’m confident Earth-tet is going to rake in millions once we move from brunch gigs to larger venues (I wouldn’t be surprised if, within a year or two, they have to build new venues just to accommodate the unprecedented throngs that will be irresistibly drawn to our hot funky awesomeness – I could see a 2-million seat arena in Dubai, on a freshly made island, or maybe even somehow hovering over the ocean.). We’re gonna make a lot of fucking money. But that’s not the point. The point is to serve you, the people, with astoundingly delicious, sophisticated and nourishing jazz-funk-rock-pop music with fabulously famous guests.

No, the reason I pleaded with Janice and Cedric to keep their jobs is that they were assisting earth scientist, Dr. Ivana Vakov, with groundbreaking research that one day promised to rid the atmosphere of excess carbon dioxide, using colonies of giant, genetically-engineered carbon-sucking jellyfish in combination with an array of balloons and vacuum tubes. Dr Vakov is brilliant and in 1976 won the Nobel prize for proving that the earth is hard on the surface, but much more chewy in the center. But now she is 96-years old and demented, and no one at M.I.T. saw her work as anything other than the delusions of dying genius. But Janice and Cedric were convinced that, with modest design changes, the technique could be used to at least make parts of New Jersey smell better. They alone knew the secrets behind it all, and I wanted them to bring the plan to fruition, cuz I plan on having giant outdoor gigs in New Jersey, and I don’t want it to smell bad. Bad smells interfere with my musical thought process and my licks don’t sound quite as hot.

But, alas, Janice and Cedric found the Earth-tet allure even more alluring than the allure of cleaning the earth, and who can blame them. We’d been jamming periodically and things were sounding great. When I told them a friend of a friend knew a friend of Ted Nugent and apparently Ted was looking for opportunities to expand his musical horizons, they insisted on leaving M.I.T. immediately and helping secure a session with the gun-slinging rock hero. Within a week they succeeded. The session went great, and we booked our first gig, at the Flo-Flo-Kus Mall in Paramus, NJ. But then things went sour (see June 28 bulletin).

But then, as described in the June 28 report, the wonderful Taylor Swift came into the Earth-tet’s life, and the rest will be history.

Rehearsals for Sunday’s gig (first of 3 Nyack shows) are going great, although Taylor has to participate via Face Time. I can tell she’s been doing her homework – I’m hearing more jazz in her vocals, and even hints of the diminished scale and other fancy tonalities in her improvised scats, so thanks for rocking it Taylor, you are the best! BFF!! I can’t believe I just said BFF to Taylor Swift. This is crazy.

For my part, I’ve been learning a bunch of her songs, and I even have little acting parts, like playing the bad guy in “Mean.” Janice and Cedric play it straight, which is fine cuz I’ve got my performance chops work cut out for me just competing with Taylor, who is a real firecracker. It’s a little hard to see on Face Time, but she’s teaching me some good leg kicks and other moves, even some that we do in tandem. I’m hoping she’ll agree to sit on my shoulders for one tune, but I haven’t mustered the nerve to ask her yet. I’ve only known her for a few weeks. It’s all happening so fast. Geez this is exciting.

So, I’ll see you all at Smart Cafe in three days. The next two Nyack shows will be much less brunchy – rather surprise, “pop-up” affairs in public spaces, so be on the lookout. If we don’t blow the roofs off many of Nyack’s houses and buildings, at least we’re going to loosen some shingles. I’m still working out permits, etc, with the town, but expect fireworks, dancers, giant projection screens, enormous puppets, etc. It’s gonna be fun.

Be well, be happy, and be safe out there (from the sun, potholes, hackers, cyclists, ISIS, carbon dioxide molecules, and all those other lurking dangers). Most of all, figure out what you’re gonna wear, and the Earth-tet will see you eating kale-fed bacon and eggs of pampered chickens Sunday!